Should know better is also known by another phrase question: What were we thinking? And better if said in one's most sincere self deprecating way.
If you're a man and you're married, the likelihood that you know better about the intricacies of matrimonial relationships has odds stacked against you at no better than 2%. To improve those odds there are a few golden rules. But first, how does a husband respond to his wife's question, "What were you thinking?" Know this and don't ever forget: she is not looking for an answer. That question is a quicksand. An attempt to answer will only prove this incontrovertible phenomenon in nature. To answer is to flail and flailing is bad when you're in a quicksand. Stay motionless as in not saying anything because in a few moments she will throw you a lifeline.
1. Marriage is wonderful, but unarguably arguments are its spices - sometimes sweet, sometimes bitter - that are to be used only sparingly. But husbands be forewarned to perish the thought - obviously wishful thoughts - that an argument with your spouse is a winnable one. You see, even if you think you won you actually did not. The happiest husbands in the world, specially those who had been married over forty years, are those whose win/loss record in arguments with their wives is 11/10,000. The 11 wins were early on and all during the first year. In fact, these gentlemen had learned early on that the only way to end an argument is to be prepared to raise the white flag at the most opportune moment - just seconds after it begins. The best example, if you're looking for one that is defined as "hopeless futility" is the notion of trying to win an argument with the missus. However, all husbands must embrace this: there is victory in losing a spousal argument that is more sublime than anything you can ever imagine. This is the only instance in life where losing can be a winner. Realizing that sooner or later is defined as achieving marital nirvana.
2. Anticipation is better than preparation. Preparing for a defensive position after you did something wrong is exactly that - you are being defensive. But anticipating that you will somehow do something wrong and you are found out (and you will be) is being proactive. The best ever strategy ever put out by one honorable man is that of a husband who each morning before ever doing anything is to look into his wife's beautiful eyes, long before make up and blush on were applied, and say, "I'm sorry". At the first instance he did that his wife naturally asked, "What for?" And his answer, "For everything I will do wrong today". Since then the ritual worked like clock work. It was better than clock work. It worked like a charm.
3. Every day act like a lawyer, as one in the court of marriage relations. Do not ever ask a question you do not already know the answer. Every lawyer knows the pitfalls of asking a witness a question that he, the lawyer, does not already know what the answer will be. The biggest mistake every husband does is to ask, "What's wrong?" The myriad possibilities of answers will far exceed the number of probable permutations a super computer can predict. So, why bother asking that? Believe it or not, the worst answer a husband gets, which is what catches every one of them is when she says, "Nothing!!" - punctuated by an exclamation point hotter than magma deep in the bowels of a volcano about to explode. Because now you have just ventured into the unknown. And that is not a good place. On the other hand, if she gave you an answer, it is not the one you were prepared to assuage or mitigate, anyhow, so why bother? Also, if she gives you an answer, it becomes a marital court record. So, in the future, she can dig that record up and what have you to say when, again, you are not able to assuage or mitigate.
4. Learn to never attempt to do the chore she had been used to doing, specially those she had been doing for years from the day you first got together. Your attempt to do it "better" is the worst you will ever do. Actually, the best way to never be asked again to do a chore (specially those you'd rather not want to do, anyway) is to do it badly. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that strategy. It had worked for millennia, so don't ruin it for the rest of us.
5. Don't ever pit you memory against hers. First of all, you don't keep a good record. Husbands don't because they are quicker to shelve anything away that are soon forgotten. Your wife is the keeper of records. It is in their DNA. Early in the evolutionary processes, they were programmed to commit everything to memory. Even in the animal world, females have that task. The matriarch among elephants knows where the water holes are or the next patch of leafy greens. Female salmon knows where to go back to spawn. The males merely follow, even if it means that that is their last act before they expire. Your wife, mark this well, not only commits everything to memory every misdeed you've ever committed, she has a retrieval system that beats the capability of the NSA. So, don't try. Now, if you followed Rule No. 2, you anticipated well. Unfortunately, husbands are not known for memory. The rigmarole continues.
6. Don't rely on earlier rulings on every misdeed you did. You see, depending on the circumstances, or mood of the day or hour, when she recalls what you did wrong 18 years ago, the verdict can change. What you thought was a minor infraction back then, clearly a misdemeanor as far as you can remember, can be a felony today, subject to how she feels about what you just said, however inconsequential it was. When she retrieves that from her memory bank that infraction can be elevated to something short of a cardinal sin, usually because you were either flippant with your answer or you chose to be condescending just now.
7. You don't have to answer every question she asks. This is a corollary to Rule No. 3, in some sort of way. When she asks you, "Do I look fat in this dress?" or "Do I look old to you?", invoking the "Fifth Amendment" is not a bad idea. But mark this. If ever there is this one golden opportunity to actually disagree with her, this is the moment. This could very well be the one and only time where vehemently saying, "No!" is not only the proper reply, it is full of extra credits that you can parlay later on.
8. As enticing as the temptation to use logic or what you premise to be reasonable thought processes, don't. It is not that they cannot follow or understand it, because they probably have good instincts for it, they are just suspicious of it. You see, logic or to argue an argument grounded in logic, was from and predominantly used by such luminaries as Plato, Socrates and Aristotle. They were all men. They knew all along that fifty per cent of the world were women, what did those guys think? You are allowed to use logic but you will have to be subtle about it. Subtle such as to begin your sentence, "You know I remember your mom told me this". You may not use her dad for reference, if you have any doubts whatsoever. On the other hand, and this is where what little you've learned about diplomacy may help, the idea of using her mom to buttress your argument must be done with care. You are on your own on this one though because your memory may not be reliable and you're never good with diplomacy. The long and short of it is to not use logic. And one last important thing. Don't even let the word, "logic", come out of your mouth to reinforce your argument.
9. Figuratively speaking or literally speaking have different meanings to your wife. Remember that when you use a figurative form of speech, and you are very sure about what you mean, it is possible she will take it literally. On the other hand, she may sound literal about something but you could be wrong because she was saying it from the heart, or so she says later, if you attempt to make a Federal case out of it. One thing to remember. From the heart or from her head are interchangeable origins of where she is coming from. So, she could conceivably be talking from her heart or from her head, but don't assume you have that figured out because, literally, you don't know.
10. This is the best advice I've learned from a true diplomat when I read about it a few years ago. I retell it as often as I can. Let her do all the minor decisions while you focus on the major ones. Examples, you ask. Well, let her decide how much to budget for a new car. First, she decides when to get a new one. Same thing with shopping for a new home, where the kids should go to college, time to refinance the home, where vacations should be, how much to allocate to savings and retirement planning, how much should be spent for Christmas, where to retire ultimately, and she decides all the estate planning down to the cemetery plot. She gets to do all those minor things.
So, you may ask, "What are the major decisions the husband gets to handle?" You want examples, right? Well, you look at whether this country ought to stay with NATO; should Brexit proceed once and for all; should we keep putting money into the space program, should the Supreme Court be expanded to 15 justices, should the Electoral College be abolished; is the Green New Deal worth the paper it is written on, and so on and on. If you can delineate each other's responsibilities this way, you are well on your way to winning the "Husband of the Year Award" this year.
The second part of this musing was going to be a Primer for the wives. After some careful analysis I arrived at the decision, "nah". No way.
Well, maybe on the next musing if I get positive vibes. Or, if the wife decides this is a major decision ... then I will perhaps, maybe do it.
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