Born on May 30, 1929, Nancy K. Schlossberg is one rare 95 year old lady who today continues to inspire and encourage not just those of us of a certain age but everyone - young and old - faced with the constancy of life's changes, challenges and the inevitable transitions we all go through - particularly that of facing the inevitability of aging. She has written ten books that include, "Too Young to be Old", "Revitalizing Retirement" and "Retire Smart, Retire Happy".
What caught my attention is this one little quote from her:
"The goal is not just to add years to life, but to ensure those years still hold the weight of a life that matters."
That led to the present participle 'mattering' (as in English grammar) embraced by modern psychologists:
"Mattering is defined by researchers as feeling valued by ourselves, our family, our friends, our colleagues, and society — and then having an opportunity to add value back."
Ms. Schlossberg is Professor Emerita at the University of Maryland. After her husband passed away in 2011, she had wanted to move to a retirement community and perhaps to transition later to an assisted living facility but her son told her that she was too young for that. Thus began her motivation to inspire people in dealing with the inevitable changes that each one of us must go through at every stage of our lives or how to transition from one to the next.
The timeline of her life is quite remarkable when we consider that she was a newborn when the stock market crashed in 1929 which ushered the Great Depression; she was just six years old when the Social Security Act (SS) was enacted; she was not even a teenager when the second World War began; she was a teenager when the boom years started (birth of the baby boomers); and she was an adult to witness the unprecedented growth of the country and the USA's rise to economic and military dominance from the late 50s.
Her generation, commonly referred to as the "Silent Generation" - with the surviving numbers getting leaner with each passing day - is characterized by traditional values and work ethic, known to "prioritize stability and security in their personal and professional lives". Their contribution to post WWII economic growth was measurably significant.
I guess we need to listen to her.
"As a 96-year-old psychologist who has spent decades studying life transitions, Nancy K. Schlossberg has found that the most difficult shift isn't retirement itself, but the decades that follow. In co-leading a group called 'The Aging Rebels' in Sarasota, Florida, Schlossberg has observed a recurring theme among those in their 80s and 90s - the 'freedom paradox', where total autonomy can lead to a sense of feeling marginalized and disconnected."
What she found in her studies was that often when retirement comes for the many who used to dream about the freedom that is presented by the euphoric prospect of not having to go to work everyday has its own challenges. After having done all the traveling (for those who can afford it) and when every bucket list was checked off, the activities or inactivity of a randomly structured life are not completely free of complications; or, if not complicated, boredom can be an inexplicably annoying intrusion. Indeed, for some, freedom becomes a confusing paradox in the absence of structure.
The common theme of her books is, of course, all about coping with life's transitions along the chronological order; otherwise known as the aging process. If we begin the chronological order at the moment of retirement we find all kinds of life changes that involve financial planning, health management, social adjustments, loss of a loved one or caregiving to a loved one, just to list a few.
".. as we age, that freedom can quickly turn into a sense of feeling 'marginalized' without a clear purpose or reason to get up each day. One former nurse in Schlossberg's group described the relief of no longer having schedules or responsibilities, yet also feeling a loss of connection and competency. Schlossberg suggests that to navigate this transition, we must look past the 'bucket list' and focus on finding ways to 'matter' - to feel noticed, cared for, and depended upon."
I mentioned in one of my earlier blogs about a similarly themed subject that the price to living longer is to grow old. And to grow old is to face the reality that the once youthful and vibrant machinery that is the human body must deal with all kinds of maintenance checkups and mitigations. Not too long ago Ms. Schlossberg humorously quipped, “First of all, I’m 94, so you do spend a lot of time running from doctor to doctor, and it becomes a part-time job.”
What are we of a certain age going to do?
1.) The relief of no longer having schedules or responsibilities can bring a feeling of loss of connection and competency. Folks who are physically able find volunteer work a wide path from which one may find access to social connections, new friendships and to common issues and pathways ordinarily not found or explored. There is one pitfall to avoid - prolonged immersion in social media to the point of obsession. Keep track of the time spent on social media indulgence against actual physical activities.
2. Pick up your curiosity level to that when you were a young child. The brain wants to stay busy, so keep it doing exactly that. There is a difference between being a passive scanner of information and an active searcher of it and it is never too late to know more about how the solar system works, how jet plane propulsion is different from propeller driven aircraft or just how it is that a plane flies at all? How is a rechargeable battery holding and keeping energy different from water behind the Hoover Dam? This may seem facetious to us but the brain does indeed want to know. Actually, think back to when you were a child when you were full of why-after-why questions. Where did all those level of curiosities go? What better time to pick them up now that you have all the time in the world.
3. Don't forget to express your gratitude openly. It is one thing "to think about it", it is another to verbally say it to your loved ones and to friends. Most of all, and this is important - express it directly, according to your faith or belief system - to a higher power because if you are convinced that you are a creature then there is ample reason to acknowledge the existence of the Creator.
4. Acknowledge each morning that each time you wake up and get out of bed is an everyday prelude that is not so easily achievable for some, even impossible for others. Every morning is a gift to be opened, the whole day is another extension. We might as well use it.
5. If you are a caregiver to a spouse, a sibling, a parent or child, consider yourself the fortunate one first. Second, embrace the nobility of caregiving.
6. While taking care of our physical health is a given, devote as much time to taking care of mental and emotional health.
7. Worried and fearful like this cat? I wrote four years ago, after Covid, on January 1, "2022 and Managing Our Fears"
"How then should we manage our fears? We don't. We use fear to stay vigilant and careful, to instill discipline and to avoid doing stupid things. And Yoda would say, "Worry, however, we should not". Worrying is like treading water. You could expend a lot of energy doing it but it gets you nowhere. So, you might as well swim and go somewhere.
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