Spider Talk 2

A little more than seven years ago, Oct. 25, 2017, I published a transcript of an actual conversation between two spiders from two different species in, "Spider Talk". They were Pholcus phalangioides and Argiope trifasciata.

This time, for identification purposes, we call them  Pholcus phalangioides 2 and Argiope trifasciata 2. Of course, both are many generations removed from 2017, and the venue of their conversation is much different.  Where their ancestors met regularly at a basement of one human host, named Steve, these two met on the invitation by Pholcus phalangioides 2 - the resident spider, at the wine cellar of a luxurious home in a very affluent neighborhood. 

Just as it was seven years ago, I still cannot reveal how I came across this transcript. 

Argiope trifasciata 2: Wow, thank you for inviting me over. This is an impressive basement.

Pholcus phalangioides 2:  This is not a basement. It's a 2000 square foot wine cellar, temperature and humidity controlled. It's a bit too chilly for me but just outside the door is a storage room. It is  damp all the time and dark and dusty. There is plenty of food there for me. I still have to hunt for them, of course.

Argiope trifasciata 2: What can you tell me about the homeowner?.

Pholcus phalangioides 2:  The husband is whom I am familiar with. His wife rarely ventures down here and the three children, never. The husband's name is Clarendon who fancies himself an oenophile, (a fancier name for a wine aficionado). A frequent visitor - a sommelier (an elevated rank bestowed to a head wine steward) - comes by almost every Monday evening, which happens to be his day off  at the city's fanciest French restaurant. He calls himself,  Benoît. His real name is Carlos. He once mentioned to Clarendon that his assumed  French name sounds more impressive when he introduces himself to the customers and emphasizing that his name is pronounced, Behn-nwa. Now, I have doubts too about the name Clarendon. The husband speaks with a British or Australian accent but more on that later.

Argiope trifasciata 2:You know all of these, how?

Pholcus phalangioides 2: I can tell you are not as evolved as I am.

Argiope trifasciata 2: Please, just tell me. My brain may not be as sophisticated as yours but I'm sensitive whenever someone brings it up.

Pholcus phalangioides 2: So sorry, I didn't mean to be insulting.  You are my guest, after all.

Argiope trifasciata 2: It's all right, please go on.

Pholcus phalangioides 2: Oftentimes I take it for granted that my species, particularly, or rather specifically, the genes through my family tree,  had the good fortune of hitting the evolutionary jackpot. Look at my eight eyes. Behind them is a brain that can process light and sound discreetly like no other creature can and a memory and computing power that rivals a Cray computer. Brains of migrating birds can detect earth's magnetic field which guides them through a three thousand mile trip and back. Even monarch butterflies have uncanny senses in their simple brains that make their annual migration a walk in the park. In my case, I happen to have neurons on my entire body from my thorax even down to my hairy legs that make my computing power extraordinarily all encompassing. The only other creature with neurons running through their legs, or rather their tentacles, are octopuses. And, of course, I can regrow my legs. As a spider you must know that too.

Argiope trifasciata 2: Okay, I believe you. I have no way of contradicting you. I'm just a guest who has no idea what a Cray is, so please go on.

Pholcus phalangioides 2: The homeowner and his frequent guest, more often than not, let more wine get into their heads, if you know what I mean. Often, they forget to pretend anymore and that's when I realized Clarendon is neither British nor Australian. Benoit, I already told you he is really Carlos. I then deduced that he is either from Argentina or Venezuela - his diction, though refined, is far from Castilian to be a Spaniard. I have to conclude that he entered the country illegally years ago.  Clarendon, I know was just a third rate Shakespearean actor wannabe.

Argiope trifasciata 2: They're both up to no good, is that what you're telling me?

Pholcus phalangioides 2:They were both up to no good.

Argiope trifasciata 2: Wait, I may not be sophisticated but I know my tenses.  You said, "they were", as in the past tense.

Pholcus phalangioides 2: Yes, you heard correctly. What I'm about to tell you will be hard for you to comprehend, so listen carefully.  I invited you here because I needed to tell another spider.

Argiope trifasciata 2: Wait, you have not been sipping droplets of their red wine, have you?

Pholcus phalangioides 2: No.  Just listen, please.  No more interruptions.

Argiope trifasciata 2: Go on, please.

Pholcus phalangioides 2: Four weeks ago I heard Clarendon tell Benoit that he was being blackmailed. A fellow actor named Wilfred from way back when  chanced upon him as he was leaving the same fancy restaurant where Benoit worked. You see, Clarendon's wife, her whole family actually, is the one with the money. Clarendon oiled his way to the family, particularly the father - an avid patron to the arts and major donor. Clarendon did ingratiate with the wealthy family to near perfection.  The actor, Wilfred, threatened to expose Clarendon's past.

Argiope trifasciata 2: I hate to ask again, you know this, how?

Pholcus phalangioides 2: You are interrupting again. When they're both here, drinking and talking, I can't help but overhear entire conversations. If you still don't know it by now, I have total recall. Coupled with a flawless deductive ability that would make Sherlock Holmes envious, if he were real.

Argiope trifasciata 2: I don't know who Sherlock Holmes is, but okay.  Please continue.

Pholcus phalangioides 2: You see, Clarendon, though a mediocre Shakespearean actor, was much too clever at creating a story that convinced his wife, her dad, the entire family, of his extraordinary linkage to British royalty via a connection to some obscure Australian lineage. He married her and her money twelve years ago. 

Argiope trifasciata 2:  Wow. So, if he's exposed he will lose everything.

Pholcus phalangioides 2: Well, he lost it alright. I'm getting ahead of myself here.  You keep interrupting, that is why.

Argiope trifasciata 2: I'm zipping it.

Pholcus phalangioides 2:Clarendon and Benoit hatched a plan two weeks ago. Clarendon was to invite the blackmailer, Wilfred, to his home. He timed it for last night, a Monday. His wife and three children had left Sunday afternoon for the ancestral estate where the entire clan on her dad's side was going to spend the entire week hunting, horseback riding, water sports and stuff. Clarendon - on the pretext of finishing up some business - was going to follow on Tuesday, that's today.

Argiope trifasciata 2: He's still here, isn't he?

Pholcus phalangioides 2:Why can't you just let me finish?

Argiope trifasciata 2: Sorry.

Pholcus phalangioides 2:Since the day I heard their plan, I stopped eating, which meant no hunting for food to conserve my venom. By limiting my water intake and keeping still for hours at a time, I increased the potency of my venom and had enough of it to paralyze an adult elephant.

Argiope trifasciata 2: What?  Oh, I don't want to hear anymore. No, please stop.  This is not real.

Pholcus phalangioides 2: Listen, just listen. Please! Clarendon told Wilfred that he had little cash at this time but he has vintage wines that are worth a fortune in his wine cellar that a few bottles from his collection can easily be turned into hard cash. Wine collectors will be happy to pay good, real money for just a handful of the precious vintages. Wilfred can pick up the wine and some cash, Clarendon asked him to come over.

Argiope trifasciata 2: Yeah, really?

Pholcus phalangioides 2: It was nine o'clock last night when Wilfred showed up. Clarendon took him to the wine cellar while Benoit hid in one of the upstairs bedrooms. Clarendon was on top of his game, talking about wines, vintages and the wine collector's market. After half an hour of that he packed half a dozen bottles of his top collection which, he claimed, included a bottle of Chateau Lafite Rothschild Pauillac, 2015. He added to it some cash.  He convinced Wilfred that collectors will pay top dollar for the six bottles. Clarendon's next move was to convince Wilfred to try his latest acquisition.  It was a 2017 red by Opus One, a Napa Valley hot seller. He poured two glasses and gave one to Wilfred. Clarendon took the first sip. Wilfred followed. It must have been really good because Wilfred asked his glass to be refilled.

Argiope trifasciata 2: And?

Pholcus phalangioides 2: In less than two minutes after finishing his second glass, Wilfred felt lightheaded and told Clarendon that he needed to sit down for a while to clear his head or until he could see clearly. He tried to lower his head on the table. But then his chair gave way as his body bent over, his torso collapsing towards his lap in slow motion. Then he toppled over and was flat on his back on the floor, foaming at the mouth.

Argiope trifasciata 2: No! I don't want to hear any more.

Pholcus phalangioides 2: Listen, get a hold of yourself.  What kind of a spider are you?

Argiope trifasciata 2: I don't like where this is going.

Pholcus phalangioides 2: Just then, Benoit appeared at the door as Clarendon was tapping his fingers on a pad that looked like a wall-mounted thermostat. I did not know it until then but he must have punched a code that opened a well disguised secret door next to one of the wine racks. Clarendon nodded his head as he motioned Benoit to go over where Wilfred was lying. Clarendon grabbed Wilfred by the armpits while Benoit lifted both legs.  Then they carried the lifeless body through the secret door. I followed.

Argiope trifasciata 2: No!

Pholcus phalangioides 2: Both knelt over Wilfred's body. Clarendon was making sure Wilfred was not breathing anymore, while Benoit was emptying the pockets of Wilfred's wallet, cash, cell phone and car keys. Clarendon's both palms were on the floor as he was checking Wilfred's breathing.  Then I sunk both my fangs on the back of his left hand, injecting a good amount of my venom.  

Argiope trifasciata 2: Oh, you didn't!

Pholcus phalangioides 2: Clarendon screamed, writhing in pain, swearing. His back on the floor, his right hand grasping his left, he kept screaming. Benoit, confused and panicking by that time, moved his attention to helping Clarendon, by sliding his hand under Clarendon's head to make him comfortable, as the wine aficionado was convulsing, then total paralysis took over his body.  That's when I struck the second time.  Benoit felt it in an instant. The last remaining reserve of my venom went to his bloodstream immediately. In seconds, he was hyperventilating, then paralysis followed. Then it was all over. Three bodies on the floor were motionless.  One dead, two remained conscious but unable to move. Then I retreated away and out the door.

Argiope trifasciata 2: I don't see any door except the one at the entrance.  Where is it?

Pholcus phalangioides 2: It's right there.  Completely shut and you can't tell it's there.  Apparently, Clarendon had it especially constructed for a special room where his prized collections were kept. The room is hermetically sealed. 

Argiope trifasciata 2: Who closed it?

Pholcus phalangioides 2: Apparently, it was designed to swing and shut itself off automatically after a few minutes. It is obvious that it can be opened from the inside but not if whoever is inside is incapacitated. Obviously. If no one else knows about the door, the existence of the control panel disguised as a thermostat, or the code, the room will remain shut.

Argiope trifasciata 2: But soon the family will start looking once he doesn't show up at the estate. Wait, Clarendon and Benoit will run out of oxygen before then, right?

Pholcus phalangioides 2: Wow, just like that, congratulations! You've become Sherlock Holmes. Well, it is not our problem, is it?

Argiope trifasciata 2: What do you mean, "our"?  I am not part of this.

Pholcus phalangioides 2: You  know what I mean.  But, yes, you have no part in this. But now that I've shared the story with you, I feel free. 

Argiope trifasciata 2: Let me ask you this.  We know only humans act with malice, right? This is so uncharacteristic of a creature such as you or me or a boa constrictor. We kill only for food or attack only when threatened.  When an owl hunts and kills mice, it is to feed itself or its young. In the process, the mice and rat population is controlled. That's how nature intended it to be.  What compelled you to take the life of two human beings?

Pholcus phalangioides 2: Why is what I did so different from controlling the population of rats? No offense to the rats but if they overpopulate it is not good for everyone and everything else, right? It is all about the ecosystem.  In this case, it is about stopping bad people from doing bad things indefinitely.  Did I not just save Clarendon's family?  The likes of Benoit and Wilfred are similarly extinguished for the greater good.  Don't you agree?

Argiope trifasciata 2: It's been a long day, okay? I need to go.

Pholcus phalangioides 2: I know.

Argiope trifasciata 2: Aren't you  worried I will talk?

Pholcus phalangioides 2: Who among the spiders will believe you?  More significantly, in case you forgot, you can't talk to humans, let alone know human talk.  They can't hear you anyway.

Now, my dear human readers, I know you have questions about the story. In the words of the laughing hyena in, "Listen, The Animals Are Talking", (Sept 20, 2024), quote: "What do you want, a story or a debate?" 😍

On the other hand, those who are impressed with Pholcus phalangioides 2, please refer to the story of its ancestor in "Spider Talk" (October, 2017).

https://abreloth.blogspot.com/2017/10/spider-talk.html