Let me share a few of the transcripts of conversations I discovered recently; however, I cannot for now disclose where or how I got them.
1. The early worm was talking to the early bird
Worm: Hey, what's this? Let go of my waist!
Bird: I'm the early bird, I get the worm, didn't you know?
Worm: All I ever wanted was to see the first rays of the sun as I crawl out of the ground. I'm an early worm.
Bird: Listen, I'll be a good early bird today. Here' s the deal, I'll let you go if you tell me where the next worm is coming from.
Worm: There is a big fat one coming right out where you pulled me. He's always late because he is that fat.
The bird let it go and went to wait for the big fat worm.
The moral of the story: The early worm too gets a reward. Provided it can talk and the bird understands it.
2. A wolf was talking to a wolf psychologist
Wolf: I'm frustrated. I'm hungry. Prey animals see me a mile away, I can't even get close before they are alerted. I did everything to conceal my presence. I even wore pig skin dyed the white color of my prey.
Wolf Psychologist: I hear this all the time. I'm so tired of hearing the same old complaint. I'll say it one more time. Okay? In order to succeed in getting close to your prey, you must be a wolf in sheep's clothing, not, repeat - not a wolf in cheap clothing.
The moral of the story: None, nada, zilch, zero
3. Cockroach talking to another cockroach
Cockroach 1: I eavesdropped on a conversation of our human hosts this morning in their kitchen. They worry too much about existential threat this, existential threat that. They are so paranoid about existential threats all the time.
Cockroach 2: I know what you're saying. But you know what, I heard on TV, just last night that our human friends, and I use friends very loosely, spent billions of dollars, so far, worldwide to cause our very existence to cease. I say good luck with that.
Cockroach 1: Exactly. They may actually succeed as existential threats to themselves for all we know or care but we'd still be here. Besides, we were here first and we will still be here when all of them are gone.
Cockroach 2: Hey, I still have a lot of their leftover crumbs they so carelessly dropped from last night by their recliner. It's a great snack.
Cockroach 1: Let me get some ketchup from the bottle cap by the trash can.
Moral of the story: Don't ever let these bugs listen in on your conversation. And, please seal those trash cans and no eating while at the recliner watching TV.
4. A cheetah was talking to another cheetah
Cheetah 1: I'm tired and I no longer believe in this evolution through adaptation.
Cheetah 2: What do you mean?
Cheetah 1: Why do we have to keep on evolving to run faster and faster?
Cheetah 2: I see. Let me explain. The impala and the pronghorn keep on evolving to run fast and jump higher to avoid being on our daily menu. Those who run fast go on to live and pass on their genes to their young. Those who can't are what provide us our meal. On the other hand, the fastest of our kind gets to mate and produce the next generation, and you know what happens to those who can't catch a meal? That's how it works. End of story.
Cheetah 1: I say we do it differently from now on. I'm tired of the same argument. I propose we evolve into eating what our prey does.
Cheetah 2: What do you mean?
Cheetah 1: We become vegetarians. Yes! From now on our food stays where it is. Impalas don't have to run after grass and other vegetation. They're just there.
Cheetah 2: You're losing it, I can tell. You know what else you'll lose. Copious amounts of nap time. Look, it takes only a few moments of lung-bursting, heart-pounding chase that lasts less than a minute. After each meal we sleep for however long we want. Instead, you'd rather spend all your waking hours grazing and chewing what you ate later at night. Chewing cud, that's what they call it. You're happy doing that?
Cheetah 1: I don't know. All I'm saying is I'm tired of going over seventy miles an hour to get a meal.
The moral of the story: Don't switch majors on your fourth or fifth year in college from an engineering or chemistry degree to art history or cultural studies and expect to eat steak and lobster. Unless you really prefer kale and arugula. No offense to art history majors. And not that there's anything wrong with kale and arugula.
5. A Boa constrictor (big snake) and a turtle were talking
Big snake: Don't be alarmed. I don't eat turtles. I can't digest your shell. Besides, I just had a baby capybara. It'll take me three to four weeks to fully digest it.
Turtle: Thanks.
Big snake: Let me ask you something. What is it that you do? I mean, what are you really useful for? We, all snakes, keep the population of rodents in check so they don't completely deplete food supplies. For example, we keep the rat population from exploding. Otherwise, they'll ravage entire rice or wheat fields in short order, if left unchecked. Capybaras, by the way, are just very large rodents, okay.
Turtle: What do you want from me? I'm slow. I hide in my shell when trouble comes. I'm no threat to the environment.
Big snake: Let me tell you something. When you cross the road people stop. They pick you up and put you across the other side out of harm's way. Do you know that when we, I mean when my kind gets run over, there are no skid marks on the road? In fact, instead of slowing down or braking, people speed up. Why is that?
Turtle: Maybe you shouldn't flick your tongue too much. And what's with the hissing and slithering? And perhaps you don't have to wait weeks to digest your food if you chew it first, instead of swallowing it whole.
At which point the Boa constricted the turtle so hard its shells flattened like a pancake.
The moral of the story: Stop talking already when you're ahead in an argument.
6. A Hyena was talking to a Baboon
Hyena: Let me tell you something. Me and my entire family chanced upon a lone lioness with her four young cubs that I'd guess were only a few weeks old.
Baboon: What did y'all do? (faking a Texas accent)
Hyena: We killed them all. Ate them until not even a tail bone was left.
Baboon: I bet you were all laughing while gorging on the poor creatures.
Hyena: Are you kidding me? That's why we're called laughing hyenas, instead of our more respectable name, Crocuta Crocuta. Though not exactly as glamorous.
Baboon: Then what happened?
Hyena: We went about our merry way. But not for long. Last week three brothers of young muscular lions and their family chanced upon us as we dozed off from a late lunch. They pounced on us and killed all of us until no one whimpered, let alone laughed.
Baboon: Wait, wait for one long minute. If they killed everyone, why are you here telling me all this?
Hyena: What do you want? A story or a debate?
Moral of the story: Learn to enjoy a story. Don't waste time debating the plot. You're going to spoil it for everyone who loves fairy tales. Got it?
Consequently, please don't ask the idle mind how he chanced upon the transcript of the conversations above. I can't reveal how or where I got them. I have more, by the way. Encouragement, instead of criticisms, might make it easier to release more later.
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