Secrets to Marital Bliss

Since the dawn of the first wedding ceremony marital bliss had been as elusive as world peace or the perfect way to cook lasagna. I have news for I've finally drawn the road map to marital bliss. Though taken from the man’s point of view it works both ways.  And ladies, Advice No.4 will have more than made up for Nos. 1-3

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1.       Start with Division of Labor

I know this is guaranteed to work from personal experience.  Not an original idea but I think I had refined it to a science.  All these years I let my wife make all the minor decisions while I tackle the big ones.  Early on she decided the type of home we were going to live in and where and how much of a mortgage to take on; I knew a little bit about cars so I helped with the selection but she decided how much we can afford and in what color.  Vacations and any new purchases for the home were and still are her domain and she handled any and all financial related stuff, like balancing the checkbook and making sure the bills were paid on time and she stayed on top of only the things that we can afford and to say no to any superfluous expenses I am usually responsible for suggesting.  I can spend whatever I wanted within the allowance she allowed me to have.  Later she knew what college the kids should go to and handed what part of our budget to contribute to their weddings and the decision to pay for their honeymoon.  Come to think of it, every minor thing including doctor’s appointments and keeping medical prescriptions current, etc. are her responsibilities, including home refinancing and at what rates.

This is really good that we divide our tasks this way. I can therefore focus on NASA’s space program or what’s left of it, the country’s Defense Budget, the National Debt, and how the U.S. should exercise its veto power at the U.N. Security Council, or whether America should consider extending foreign aid to Ghana and Bulgaria.  In fact, my responsibilities toward the major issues seem almost endless with everything that is going on in the world.  I also have more time to ponder whether the universe will keep expanding forever or reverse direction and end it all in a big crunch in about 18 trillion years from now.  That’s a huge subject matter but on the opposite side – the very small – I must look into whether quarks are about as small as it gets as a unit of matter. This arrangement works well because, come to think of it, she neither has the time nor the inclination towards these major issues I face every day.

2.       Saying Sorry First Thing Every Morning Prevents Begging for Forgiveness Later

I’ve mentioned this to some of you before and I’m sticking with it.  To all the guys, do this first thing in the morning right after brushing your teeth.  Look at her directly with those adoring eyes of yours, hold her hand softly and say, “I’m sorry.”  The first time you do this will naturally prompt her to ask you, “what for?” You say, “For everything wrong I will do today either by commission or omission.”  The adage, “It’s better to ask for forgiveness later than for permission before”, works in the workplace with your boss but not so well at home.  What I’m talking about here is a tried and proven vaccine – a sure fire way to inoculate yourself against any misdeeds – every day!

3.       Forget the Mirror; Focus on the CAT scan

Love at first sight aside, we all remember the knight in shining armor and the princess bride on the wedding day.   A few anniversaries later the shining armor had lost its luster, even tarnished, or perhaps it no longer fit.  Her willowy figure and the porcelain smooth skin now only reside at the wedding album.  If there are children they leave visible marks on the creases around her eyes and the kitchen counters.  That thick, wavy hair that he spent copious amounts of time grooming in front of the mirror had given way to an encroaching forehead. The law of gravity had taken its toll on his mid-section while she would never again want to step on a bathroom scale.  I really don’t know where I’m going with this.

What I would like to say, I guess, is that the mirror, mirror on the wall no longer answers to what you want to hear; instead, do remind yourself of what started this all.  What matters most is that what attracted you to each other could, and likely still, be underneath that thinning or greying hair - such as a more experienced mind and a mature intellect, for example.  Beyond that steely glare of disapproval and the deafening sound of a silent treatment remains the longing of an adoring and caring wife. Just a couple of inches behind what once were firm and muscular chests reside the same beating hearts that used to, and perhaps still ought to, speed up at the mere thought of each other.  So forget the mirror and let your mental CAT scan print the report back at you.

4.       Heed Merlin’s Advice to King Arthur

In the Broadway musical, “Camelot”, King Arthur asked Merlin, his most loyal and wise adviser, on how to handle a woman as he was reflecting on his relationship with Guinevere.  King Arthur wanted to know “how a ruler rules his queen”. Men today like to think they're all King Arthur(s) who self-describe their homes as their castles. Merlin, as you know, was a wizard who lived backwards in time. His arrow of time went from the future to the past.  So he was wise with a perfect 20/20 hindsight.  His advice should still work today. Here’s what he said to King Arthur,

“How to handle a woman - mark me well and I will tell you, sir.  How to handle a woman is to simply love her, merely love her, love her, love her …”

But ladies, you too have an obligation and you must heed what Marian, the librarian, so longingly sang in the Broadway musical – “The Music Man”, dreamily imagining her white knight.

She started with, “My white knight, not a Lancelot, nor an angel with wings...

and ended with,  “Him I could love till I die. Him I could love till I die".

There ladies and gentlemen are the secrets to marital bliss. Guaranteed!